My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
