You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
