2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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