you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
