you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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