I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
