6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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