Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize