I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
