I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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