saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
where does the pee come out of this thing
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
