i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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