he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
