Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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