Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
