Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
