dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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