Betty ford says i'm here all night
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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