Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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