If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize