swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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