you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
