he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I should be sponsored by Trojan
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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