you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
