the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Welp...herpes.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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