new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My vagina just clenched in fear
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize