yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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