Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
