and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
