The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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