I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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