I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
