I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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