You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
