Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
