You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
