I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
this boner is exhausting
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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