Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
