No awkward lesbian experiences without me
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
