It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
