if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
