I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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