grandma shit on top of the toilet
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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