i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
