we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
we should paint friendship bongs
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