Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
