my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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