Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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