dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
