finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
