He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
