she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
