the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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