and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
