my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
