Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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