My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
