She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I want a musical about memes.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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