Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
